Invitations mailed. Church reserved. Flowers ordered. Dresses purchased. Tuxes rented. Everything prepared–except for one major problem. I was making the biggest mistake of my life. We dated throughout high school and college, and the next logical step was marriage. Undoubtedly, I had more than cold feet—they were frozen to the ground. Perhaps I would never get another chance to marry. How could I back out now? What would people think?
My name is Susan and I am a recovering people pleaser. How did I find freedom from people pleasing?
Please God
In my quest for approval, I pleased other people so they would like me. In addition, I depended on others for my self-esteem and I dreaded rejection.
Instead, as a recovering people pleaser, I ask, is my motivation to please this person or please God?
Base our decisions on what God desires, not what other people want from us. If we focus on what God desires for us and from us, we are free to be ourselves because of His love.
Believe who God says we are
Insecurity drove my quest for the approval of others. I was so preoccupied with myself and what others thought of me. This determined my self-worth. Did my hair and makeup look ok? Was my outfit right for the occasion? Will I say something smart and witty? How exhausting. It was all about me!
I struggled to be someone I was not, so others would like me. I yearned to belong. To fit in. To feel included.
But Christ’s love has set me free to be me. Not what others think, but reflecting the One who created me for His Glory.
God loves you just the way you are because He created you–one of a kind, set apart for your unique purpose in the world.
When we find freedom from people pleasing, we gain the freedom to be ourselves in Christ and to only serve Him. As Paul wrote, “Work willingly at whatever you do, as though you were working for the Lord rather than for people. Remember that the Lord will give you an inheritance as your reward and that the Master you are serving is Christ” (Colossians 3:23-24 NLT).
Heather Holleman writes in her book Seated with Christ–Living Freely in a Culture of Comparison, “I’m motivated by Christ’s love and not a need to belong somewhere. I’m free from self-absorption and constant self-evaluation about whether I am enough. I’m not fighting for a place. Whether I fail or succeed against some arbitrary standard no longer matters for my identity and my heart.” 1
Conclusion
It is no surprise my marriage ended in divorce after ten years. I continue the journey to find freedom from people pleasing. However, I am sure God displays a “Work in Progress” sign on me. His work in us continues until we see Him face to face.
You too can find freedom from people pleasing! Realize God created you to love you as His beloved child, and pleasing Him yields immeasurable rewards.
Reference
- Holleman, Heather. Seated with Christ: Living Freely in a Culture of Comparison. Moody Publishers, 2015.
Good faith based reading material. Makes a lot of sense
Tom, thank you for your comment! I really appreciate it.
I read people pleaser and your transformation and it hit spot on. Thanks Susan.
Tom, thank you so much for your comment. I am glad you like the post!
This reminds me of the song: He’s still working on me, to make me what I aught to be. It took Him just a week to make the moon and stars the sun and the earth and Jupiter and mars. How loving and patient He must be ’cause He’s still working on me.
We are all a work in progress. Grace has set us free.
Thanks Sue for your honesty. Love you
Thank you for your comment, Mary Anne. It’s a good thing God never gives up on us! Love you too!
Thank you, Susan, for this post. I am a recovering people pleaser as well! Thank you for sharing how you overcame. I have read Seated with Christ by Heather Holleman as well as her other books – Chosen for Christ and Guarded by Christ. Highly recommend them.
Thanks for reading and for your comment, Carla. I will have to check out her other books. I loved her book, Seated with Christ.
So good. As a people pleaser, finding out why I was a people pleaser was helpful. It allowed me to see that it was an unhealthy coping strategy. Yes to knowing who we are in Christ and being motivated to please God and not people. I ask the same thing of myself, am I doing this to please God or others.
Thank you for your comment, Theresa. I am glad you liked the post.
Thank you for your post. Boy, do I identify with being a people pleaser. I was a pleaser for my 2nd husband. But no matter what I did it wasn’t good enough. I was the problem running from God. I’m sure glad God straightened me out. I learned God has to be #1.
Thanks for reading and for your comment, Jeanette. Yes, so glad we figured out that God’s opinion of us is the only one that counts!
I can relate to this! At times, I still worry about what people think, but as I’ve gotten older and more mature in Christ, I’m learning to live “for an audience of One.” It took a crisis for me to face the truth that no matter what, God loves me and knows what is best. I’m thankful He reveals His purposes to us. Thank you, Susan! ❤️
Thank you Pam. I love that–an audience of One!